[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin