I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You Might Also Like
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Fluff me with a fork baby
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
every college guy’s fridge
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?