I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
😂😂
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand