My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.