#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
You Might Also Like
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*