Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.