everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.