Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH