Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I’m calling the cops.
WTF IS THAT!
And now we wait
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date