A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
🐕🍷
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis