me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
guys i’ve cracked the code
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?