I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Lol
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.