I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!