Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”