Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
That’s not how days work.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong