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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project