AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”