Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
May never get over this
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name