[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’