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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The Struggle
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.