i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A classic…
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote