Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Cause of death: Zumba
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker