moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
A short story of betrayal:
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.