[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: