Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
this has done me in for some reason
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
never compromise your values
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.