life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning