*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Cool shirt 🙂
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Need WebMD
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.