I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
any last words?