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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.