Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Software Development ⛵️
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?