Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?