My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.