[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[eats all your cotton candy]
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business