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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.