*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.