*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Something Saturday.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.