Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.