I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.