People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
This is the one
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave