flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Straight people are cancelled
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.