How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
You Might Also Like
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.