APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
my mind
You just read my mind
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.