Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
new career option?