I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.