have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.