[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
You Might Also Like
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
very niche meme I made
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.