wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Aight bet
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.