I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse