“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My therapist after every session
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.