if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.